This morning whilst loading the car of fish & utensils for the horse box I felt a funny sensation up my leg and Left buttock.
Not having time to worry I continued to the bakery, I waited in line for bread. As I left returning to my car, the lovely lady chased after me ‘stop!
you have a massive split in your skirt’
My black grits hanging out of my skirt #tidy
It is amazing how good you feel when you’ve:
Shaved your legs, shaved your pits, Painted your nails, Painted your toe nails, Plucked your eyebrows, exfoliated, dyed your hair, Defuzzed your muff, defuzzed your tash, washed, Moisturised, put on clean jim jams & put clean bedding on the bed.
I officially put the rock in rock n roll.
Peace & Love Friends
This blog isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just everyone. Maybe I should start using twitter more than I do. But we all love to hate.
Just a few points that irritate me whilst scrolling my newsfeed.
Things like Bet this can’t get 10,000… Please do not force me to part take in a gamble of whether the photo of your cat with its thumbs up will get 10,000 shares
Share this to show you care… Pressure to make people think you give a shit
You’ll never believe what happens next… 3 minutes of your life GONE watching another man fall off a roof after the link takes 45 minutes to load on your phone.
Lost dog please share…. turns out the owner is in Tennessee USA. (appears Rex must be on a work placement in Bradford Still no where near where the person sharing it lives?)…
Daily express Snow reports from 2013, read before you get people hopes up, and it wasn’t even true in the first place.
196 holiday snaps, this is another of my feet by the pool.
Inspirational Quotes– find the lion in you, don’t be a fucking pussy! Don’t post quotes just go out and get on with it!
Free for sale in…. Reluctantly Selling these Size 2 boys shoes warn to death but too good to chuck out £8.
App induced Complexion fresh selfie… Your nose has almost disappeared. Be true to yourself, refresh your memory by reading your quotes again.
Trout Pouts… smile you bastads, you look better when you do.
Random Hashtags… #absolutlyfuckingmeaninglessbecauseitstoolongforpeopletobearsedtosearchforitjustsayingbutitmakesuslol #justsaying #hashbrown #hashcake
Proper Tasty… Cooking tip videos, don’t get me wrong they are great but I seem to waste so many minutes of my day watching these.
Maybe the answer lies with me & not facebook
As You were, stay great
Kift x
Cramsshit An anagram of Christmas i used in last years blog. Cramsshit in your trolley, Cramsshit in your mouth, Cramsshit under your tree.
I seriously lacked enthusiasm for this Christmas, as I do most years and my festive spirit was at 1%. A shit load of hassle for half a day, not even that, a morning & a meal. ‘It’s all about the build up’. I found my disorganised self in town Christmas Eve like a bloke, more or less starting and finishing my shopping. Everything I picked up, I thought ‘in 2 days this will be half price’ with serious lack of effort I think I passed the presents test either that or everyone has been practising their fake chuffed face. I’ll make up for it on your birthday. Yeah?
Christmas Day came, and I’d drunk so much in the ‘build up’ that I couldn’t face another alcoholic slurp. The day obviously made a lot brighter with a fresh new niece in the world. ‘Its for the kids really, isn’t it’ unless you are a fan of baby jcheeses & the big book. Boxing Day came, I ate uncontrollably then it went.
It’s now New Year’s Eve and I’m left with the debris of Cramsshit, empty fridge, with out of date cream, some Spanish meats and a cupboard full of breadsticks. Then chocolate, a shit load of chocolate including my Cramsshit favourite After 8’s.
An open box of after 8’s when your family have been round is a roller coaster of emotions- you feel sad there’s nothing left, but empty sleeves then your heart fills with joy as you find one lying flat on the bottom. Hidden. Until next year after 8’s. Unless I go for a curry soon that is. Whilst on chocolate – Quality Street are shit!
This morning I Popped into town for a last minute dress for tonight, came home with 2 wooly jumpers & a summer hat. Useful.
Now I Eagerly await tomorrow’s hangover. No dout suffering from jägerbomb syndrome.
The next few days As the dec’s come down and the same words echo through out the land ‘Oh doesn’t it look bare’ my seasonal disorder lifts a little with the thought that Christmas has fucked off & Spring is on its little way. January maybe rearing its ugly grey head, but in 2-3 weeks we’ll be over the worst of it! Up come the bulbs!!! ‘Mild this year!’
Another plus is, I haven’t got to buy smellies until possibly September and I can spend my remaining days off discarding old socks and replacing with my new ones. Whilst I dine on breadsticks and pickled onions.
As miserable As i sound, I am happy, when it’s not raining, it just hasn’t stopped raining since, oh January. So maybe I am miserable!
Happy new year, you happy bunch of fuckers! May 2016 bring you lots of love, happiness & sunshine xxx
I dreamt last night that I forgot to put my phone charger on at the wall. Woke up and my phone was on 8%. Yes that specific. 8%
It didn’t end there, I dreamt about a whole shit Tuesday at work on the edge, not using my phone just incase of an emergency. Itching to check my online banking, Facebook, Twitter & whats app! This fear by the way is called nomophobia.
You’ll be glad to know I did put the switch on & I did have 100% but seriously…. I need some excitement in my god dam life!
Happy average Tuesday!
Some days you can’t fight what the day dishes you, just do fuck all. The more I try, the more I get a sudden out burst of a 2 year style tantrums.
Gave myself a little early finish today, as adapting to Autumn and the clocks going back really isn’t happening. Put the TV on, Tipping point, this being the most pointless programme ever – try and change channels, Batteries dead in the remote. Go out the kitchen, put the light on as its now dark early, bulb gone, tried to put the heating on for the first time – need a masters in combie boilers to get it to work. Still freezing! This wouldn’t be happening if it was summer.
Made vegetable soup in my slow cooker, in aid to start eating healthy, not a fan of lumps, get my food processor out for the lads, fucked. Anyway the soup, it was shit so ate half a loaf of bread and a pack of butter to disguise the taste. I love butter & butter loves me! I may add, ate too early as I thought it was later than it was. Now I’m starving at 8pm.
Also Tried writing a letter on paper with a pen, Its a fucking nightmare without auto correct. You tried it lately? I can’t spell, I had to use my brain.
So Whilst looking at summer photos earlier to keep warm. Dad rang me, Sarah I can put you on my AA breakdown cover for a fiver, whats your date of birth? “Glad the arrival of your first born is etched in your memory dad, cheers”
After today I deserve chocolate on my autumnal diet, get the lindt from the cupboard open it & it’s dark chocolate. In desperation I eat it anyway. If I’m honest, lindt could make chocolate out of shit and I’d probably still eat it. start again tomorrow.
Fuck you Monday & Fuck you Autumn, you may look pretty & crisp but I love Summer more than you.
I get home from work some days, I pull up as close as I can to the front door so I pick up wifi and sit in the car for half hour on facebook because I can’t be arsed to get out of the car.
Then when I eventually get in, with all good intentions, get out my laptop & paper work. Then I will sit at my dining table and spend the whole night on social media & making a note of how many skips I have used on spotify.
One question what did I do before social media?
I know, I can hear you say, I ACTUALLY GOT THINGS DONE!
Fuck you Facebook & Twitter.
People say that loved ones lost to the arms of God are always with us looking down on us.At a guess, my nan & gramps have been out the back having a fag with elvis & Roy Orbison for most of this year and Jeremy Beadles stepped in.
Today’s error – thought my car had been stolen but no, left my hand break off, went to work and it had gently rolled away and took rest on a skip.
2015 you won’t be missed when you do eventually fuck off!
whether you are cooking for 1 or 21, you either do to many or not enough.
Think I may actually take fancy dress a bit to seriously. Time and effort gone in to some of theses outfits. To be continued xx
kiftyrantsalot 